Kindly Redirect Your Attention From Brett Favre's Penis-Gate...

...and toward two grown-ass athletes fighting over proper grooming.

CBS' NFL insider Charley Casserly reported yesterday that Tom Brady and Randy Moss recently got into a tussle in the Patriots' locker room after both "men" traded hair insults. Casserly reported that Brady told Moss to shave his unkempt beard and Moss retorted that Brady should cut his hair cause it makes him "look like a girl." Both men then proceeded to slap at each other.

As it stands now, no one knows if this actually happened. Obviously the Patriots deny it and Peter King -- probably disappointed that Casserly got the story -- has said that "someone is lying to CBS." However, Boomer Esiason, Casserly's colleague on CBS' pregame show, is vouching for Casserly's journalistic integrity. Said Esiason, "I don't remember a time where he was inaccurate. . . . Charley does not go in front of millions of people on Sunday and make a fool out of himself unless he has something on lockdown. I would stake my own reputation on it."

There are so many crazy things going on in the NFL that I don't know what to believe anymore. There is no doubt that Moss' beard makes him look like a hobo and Tom Brady does look like a girl with his Bieber-esque hair cut, so maybe the story is true.

Ehhhhh, who gives a fuck.

I think we need to get back to more important sports' issues...Has anyone heard that Frank Gore and Brian Westbrook are dating?

Relaxing in STYLE

RaskolnikovDunks is the trendiest of all of us by far, so I worry that one day in the near future I will see him dressed like this.

Do the fashion powers that be really think they can make this happen?

All I was trying to do this morning was get some ideas to change up my boring old "blue-ish oxford and jeans" fall clothing routine. That's a perfectly normal thing for a straight guy to do on his laptop while watching Jersey Shore, right? No?

And there it is, right in GQ's feature story:

Designer Sweats

Oh boy. Let's check out some sidebar commentary from some fashion designer guy who thinks fashion is the most important thing in the world and that he is literally saving the world one person at a time every time he designs some ridiculous dress. (Because as far as I can tell from my limited interactions with fashion people, this is what they all think.)

"What's so cool about fashion is the element of surprise: There are always those elements that you'd never think would be shown in the same forum as a shearling or a double-breasted suit or something of a very high-fashion nature. The sweatpant is one of those.

Uh, Yeah-heah. I also wouldn't expect to see hobos on the moon, or an egg salad sandwich that talks. Surprising, unexpected, not necessarily good.

Actually, hobos on the moon: pretty cool. Talking egg salad sandwich also.

It's something that even I, being here all these years, never thought I would see on the runway as many times, and with so much diversity, as we did this season.

I remember in '99, when everything was cellophane and bubblewrap, and then the 2005-06 gigantic cowboy hat craze, but this, this blows my little nancy mind.

No one is saying it should be a replacement for a suit pant, or that you can wear it to the office, but just to be able to wear a sweat pant that's a little bit trimmer, that has a lower rise, and that doesn't bulk out at the ankles... It's a great way to look when you're heading to the gym, or when you're running some errands on a Saturday."

I personally don't give a shit how I look when I'm going to the gym or running errands, but I will give this a pass -- some people need to look good at all times. I won't completely mock them for that. To each his own. So, how much do these cost?

Michael Bastian
$540, available at www.michaelbastiannyc.com, 212.228.3400.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Ken Daube Numbers Smart Football Use?

I love a good pun.  And I loved Trainspotting.  When it came out I just got my braces off and was trying to convince my girlfriend to have sex.  One of those particular moments of persuasion occurred while watching the sex-and drug-fueled movie starring Ewen McGregor, Robert Carlysle, Johnny Lee Miller and that ugly dude whose name escapes me at the moment who played "Spud".  

So it follows that I gravitated towards the ESPN.com column Trendspotting and its assortment of random facts put together using sentences to appear to explain certain events that have happened and to prognosticate those that may. 

After perusing this week's deep-throat of the Elias Sports Bureau, I realized two things: 1. Trainspotting probably creeped my girlfriend out, hence preventing me from getting any and 2. Ken Daube is no Rain Man.  In fact, The Reign Man would have a better shot at number analysis than Doube.  And he couldn't even keep count of his illegitimate kids.

Behold, number turdification:

Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis Colts (19 targets in Week 4, 15 receptions): Since the beginning of the 2009 season, Wayne has faced the Jacksonville Jaguars three times. During those games, Wayne has amassed 162, 132 and 196 receiving yards, respectively. In his other 17 games during the same time period, Wayne has broken the 100-yard mark three times (against theNew England Patriots, San Francisco 49ers and Arizona Cardinals).

Of course!  That explains it! I knew it.  Fucking A!  Pop the champagne!!!!

Wait.  What?  Hold on. Ok.  Hmmm.  Oh.  Got it.  This is worthless data that is applicable to nothing.  Shit. Put away the champagne. You opened it already?  Goddammit.  Ok.  Fine.  Let's drink it.

When I read this I thought to myself, "This is a brain fart that fell into the column because, well, ESPN.com has some of the worst writers on the planet."  But then I really started to wrap my head around it, and in no particular part because of the fact that I happen to own Reginald Von Wayne III in my fantasy league(I tend to get extremely defensive of my players).  The more I thought about this the more I really had NO FUCKING CLUE AS TO WHAT TREND THIS PERTAINS TO, WHICH IS THE GOAL OF THE COLUMN AS IT IS EPONYMOUSLY TITLED TRENDSPOTTING. Is the trend that he lights up the Panthers?  OK.  Why is this important?  Are you going to sit Reggie Wayne EVER in a season?  Over those same 17 games from he has had at least 80 yards or a touchdown 10 times.  If this column is about whether to sit/start Reggie Wayne against the Jags last week, well then Daube is a candidate for organ donation, because he is clearly braindead.  If it is about the Jaguars secondary sucking, then Daube is a human pro-abortion campaign. 


It seems to me more in the vein of the Chris Farley SNL interview skit, like, "Hey, remember those two games Reggie Wayne had a ton of yards and touchdowns and stuff? That was awesome."   Is that a trend?  I don't know.  I'm not Michael Lewis, or Andre Leon Talle therefore I can't spot trends, but neither can Ken Daube.  

Colin Cowherd likes men...

... or just taking really horrible mainstream media positions. Sorry Colin, my venom wasn't directed just at you, but you seem like a logical choice to call out as the representative for mainstream media types in the sports arena. Substitute Woody Paige, Rick Reilly, or just about any other sports talking head.

For my first post back allow me a rant against two stories/narratives I noticed last night/this morning in the sports world.

1) Statheads rejoice, old-timey sports narrative poops pants and weeps: Last night Roy Halladay made his long-anticipated first post-season start.  For 12 years he utterly dominated the AL  but failed to ever pitch in the post-season, thanks to JP Ricciardi.  The same JP Ricciardi who on Baseball Tonight makes John Kruk (yes, he of the infamous prediction that Randy Johnson would win 30 games in a season in which he maked 34 starts for the Yankees) look like an idiot savant.

Now, according to famous old baseball witch doctors and Dan Shaughnessy-I don't even care to spell his name right-Roy should have struggled from his lack of having "post-season experience wins".  In fact, he should not last 2/3 of an inning and have his arm explode mid-pitch, Dave Dravecki style considering how little experience he had going in. Instead, he only pitched the second ever no-hitter in post-season history. Now granted, I know no-hitters involve a healthy share of luck but clearly Halladay is one of-if not the- best pitchers in baseball and really stupid antiquated, unproven sports cliches that sportswriters tend to treat as the Bible should go the way of Chris Rainey (i.e. away.... to jail).

2) 'Brent Musberger says pros could use steroids' - instantly Jay Mariotti's brain explodes and the remnants are all over Tim Cowlishaws new Ed Hardy shirt (for some reason I envision scenarios where Tim and Jay are always hanging together and Tim insists upon always wearing Ed Hardy shirts- apparently in my fantasy Tim Cowlishaw is quite stylish). This was a lead story on CNNSI.com this morning about Brent Musberger questioning the mainstream media's position of righteous indignation concerning the use of steroids. Mind you, he did not say they are good nor should be used, he just believes the media should leave this to the medical field to explore more. I now lament the fact that the term "steroid-user" has now replaced "convicted felon who raped young children and ate their entrails" in sports lexicon as the worst type of athlete. I hate everyone on their high horse about steroids, and in particular, HGH. Maybe this is a contrarian view, but please, there are much worse things athletes have done than use steroids or PEDs.

I wanted to expand on the above topic more but my attention span when it comes to writing is comparable to Raskal's when it comes to numbers, not drinking, or growing hair.

Yeah, I Don't Know Why You're a Broadcast Team Either

Apparently the economy has hit cable networks extremely hard.  That or Conan O'Brien's contract has literally sapped all the funds from TBS and completely bankrupted them because that's the only explanation I have for their MLB Playoff coverage.

Basically the baseball side of the network has been in a state of putrilage (see: Braves home attendance '91-'03 which made basketball games at the Omni during the same span seem like a constant Justin Bieber concert) for as long as I can remember.That's been okay so long as they kept reruns of "Family Matters" and "Seinfeld" readily available and some other major network handled the post-season. But now we HAVE to watch TBS for during-the-week playoff coverage and this is steaming pile of cowshit that we get: David Wells, Cal Ripken and Dennis Eckersley.  Oh, and Matt Winer.  You may remember this jolly group of incoherent deuchebags from the 2010 MLB All-Star Selection Show unless you missed it because NO ONE WATCHES THE FUCKING ALL-STAR SELECTION SHOW.

So it makes sense that the perennially torpid Wells, semi-literate Ripken and 80's time-warped Eck went under the radar. Oh, and Matt Winer.  I can understand that we are suffering from a paucity of in studio talent across networks (I've heard more astute comments from a homeless man who just shat his pants on the NY subways than I have watching the Fox football pregame) but now I'm here, sitting on my sofa having a beer and forced to  watch their pre-and post-game gibberish. All right, I'm actually drinking a full-bodied malbec.


A few brief aesthetic comments to start:

1. Dennis Eckersley is an 80s porn actor.  He is the less endowed guy introduced after the main sex scene involving the lead porn actors is usually involved in a tertiary plot-line.  Somehow he enters into the fold because of some circumstance that has yet to be discovered by the main characters and gets a complete lucky fuck because of it.  His hair is ridiculous.  Michael Douglas from Jewel of the Nile called - "Stop feathering your hair, I have throat cancer".

2. David Wells is a slob.  Yeah, we all knew this when he had the gout and wore tents labeled "Toronto" and "NY" when he was on the mound, but seriously - you're on TV and you can't button your top shirt button? My 16 year old guido cousin who wears sunglasses in church even has the decency to do that.

3. Cal Ripken says things that no one else will...because they don't make any sense.  That's all I'm going to say for now.  I mean, the guy played the most consecutive games ever, which must be like being a mailman - day in, day out, same thing.  It never stops.  I completely understand if he is insane.

4. Oh, and Matt Winer.

The only redemptive thing about this MLB broadcast is the fact that they had the brains to pick Ron Darling, John Smoltz and Ernie Johnson to call the actual game.  The intellectual difference between the booth and studio is similar to that of Stephen Hawking and Chris Burke.  I won't even mention that they brought in NBA stooges Craig Sager and David Aldridge to do on-field coverage.  Sager is a character out of "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest" except less interesting and more fucking annoyingly insane.

Oh well.  At least the Yankees are getting handled so far.  That'll get me through.  And the wine.

Everybody's favorite made-up name is possibly going to jail, suspended indefinitely

Baylor U senior guard and leading scorer LaceDarius Dunn won't be playing bball anytime soon.

Police are investigating the accusation that Dunn broke his gf's jaw during a good ol Texas sized squabble. Baylor coach Scott Drew said that Dunn (2009: 19.6 ppg/4.8 rpg) has been indefinitely suspended from team activities.

Dunn is represented by attorney Vikram Deivanayagam who has stated, "We look forward to reviewing the file and working with the district attorney's office."

Mr. Deivanayagam went on to voluntarily disclose that his last name is in fact Indian and not totally made up.

Brian Roberts comes up with clever way to get out of having to play for the O's

Well, the season is over and the O's, despite playing .596 baseball under Buck Showalter, who replaced interim manager Juan Samuel with a third of the season remaining, still lost 96 games. Simply put: the O's were god awful for the majority of the season.

No one knows this more than lifetime O, Brian Roberts. Out for 103 games due to various injuries, the hobbit-sized second baseman spent a lot of time relegated to the bench and clubhouse to watch the O's play unsound Instructional League ball. The horror of the O's season was so bad that perhaps Mr. Roberts subconsciously wanted to off himself.

It has been revealed that Roberts missed the final six games of the season due to a possible concussion -- a self inflicted one. After striking out in the ninth inning versus the Rays on Sept. 27th a "frustrated" Roberts hit himself on the head with his bat. Said Roberts, "In frustration, I whacked myself on the head with my bat in the ninth. I had my helmet on. It's something I've done a million times..." (Yes, playing for the O's probably would drive a talented professional baseball veteran to the point of self inflicted harm). Since the incident Roberts has suffered headaches and a lack of balance and will get a CT scan in the coming days.

"It's a lesson to myself, a lesson to the kids to not do that, no matter how frustrated you are," Roberts said. Or if you play for the Baltimore Orioles.

Get better Brian.

Brandon Funston should be begging for change.

NFL Skinny: Week 4 Preview

By Brandon Funston, Yahoo! Sports Sep 29, 1:35 am EDT

Tell us all that you know, Eddie Munster.

...We already knew Aaron Rodgers(notes) was big time, but I can’t begin to tell you how impressed I am with how far Jay Cutler(notes) has progressed at his craft in the short time under Mike Martz. Maybe Martz doesn’t deserve all the credit, because the big difference with Cutler is something that is really hard to change overnight. It’s his demeanor. You can tell that the “Matrix” is finally unveiling itself in his mind and he’s now so much more relaxed under fire, and he’s making much smarter decisions because of it. He didn’t put up huge numbers against the Packers, but it was clear enough to me that he now firmly belongs among the elite class of QBs that I felt comfortable moving him into my latest Big Board top 50.

AND, let's take a look at Jay Cutler's stat line from last night's game against the Giants:

8/11, 42 yds (3.8 yds/comp), 0 TD's, 1 INT, 10 Sacks, 1 Concussion, 0 jelly-donuts (he really cannot have them)...

ELITE!
Brandon Funston is a poor man's Eric Karabell, and neither of these guys would finish in the top 7 in a 10 team fantasy football league with 3 women in it. (Just want to point out here that I'm not being sexist; it is a proven scientific fact that women cannot operate draft applets as successfully as men because their breasts get in the way.)
Also: stop making Matrix references. Please?

I did have more of a finger on the Week 3 pulse than the previous week, going 11-5 for my game predictions after a forgettable 8-8 Week 2. I’ll be hard-pressed to repeat the 11-correct mark this week given we’re dealing with two less games this time around. There’s 14 games on the Week 4 docket, so let’s dive in with an early look at how I see them playing out.

OOH, 11-5! That would put you at a heady 30th out of 60 in my office picks pool.

I work for the New York City Ballet.

Also, at the risk of being too nitpicky, is it too much to ask that a professional writer understand the difference between "less" and "fewer"? "Less" is used when comparing uncountable quantity, "fewer" is used when comparing numbered items. Here is an example: Fewer people pay attention to Brandon Funston's columns each week, because, with respect to Fantasy Football, Brandon Funston's columns are less informative than VH1's Pop-up Video.

(Did you know that Jahvid Best was in The Digital Underground?)

"The Social Network"...the review is in...

Jesse Eisenberg is excellent at playing jewish teens/men around his age.

3.5 out of 5 Amen Corners

Review by: J.N. Pantz