Rick Reilly Rites Retardry

Rick Reilly filed his column for ESPN.com today. As usual, it's nothing so much as a reminder that, due to the rapid growth of technology over the last decade plus, we're really hurting for a phrase to replace the quickly-becoming-obsolete "phoning it in". Let's give him the FJM-lite treatment, shall we?

A "complisult" is half-compliment, half-insult. It's not until you're driving home in your Prius that a complisult slaps you across the cheek.

"I'd rather read a Rick Reilly column than have a Prius run over my dick."

Is that a good one? I'll see if I can refine this as we get deeper into the column.

A few complisults:

"You're so pretty. I'll bet you used to model, am I right?"

Watch and learn as Reilly breaks down a haggard MILF's confidence so he can swoop in and drop the hammer.

"You drive the coolest minivan in the neighborhood!"

I see you have children. ... I have children too.

"The weight you've gained in your face looks good. Takes out the creases."

and, speaking of creases... hey-yo!


Complisults are key to getting in your digs without getting your nose flattened into a tortilla for you.

mmm, let me fill that deliciously retarded metaphor with sour cream and tomatoes, thereby making it SUPREMEly retarded.

During football season, complisulting is essential. For instance, if you're sitting on a stool at your favorite sports bar this Sunday and a stranger plops down next to you in the wrong jersey, you need one ready. For instance …

To an Eagles fan: "Not a lot of teams would give a convicted felon control of their team..."

Um. Or any black guy.

To a Colts fan: "Hey, at least you won't have to go through that whole 'Should we rest our starters or go undefeated?' thing again this year!"

ZING! Your team has only put up two huge blowouts out of the three games played to date this year... ZING ZANG ZONG.

To a Packers fan: "With Favre gone, it must feel good to be out of the glare of the national spotlight."

Wait, the of whom are we speaking? The... Groin Boy Parkers? The Grain Bail Plookers? I am unfamiliar with this team. Perhaps they are only covered regionally or something.

To a Patriots fan: "Hey, at least nobody can accuse you guys of cheating to win anymore."

Or, I guess you could be accused of unsuccessfully cheating? By the way, on a scale of 1 to 10, how tedious is this column? I give it a 9.zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

To a Saints fan: "Saints fans are lucky. You can cheer for Reggie Bush with no reservations."

Not sure I get the reference here. Does this have something to do with the fact that Reggie recently gave back the Heisman due to allegations that he accepted improper payments while a college athlete, thereby implicating him as the only college athlete to ever accept improper payments ever?

To a Texans fan: "Must be great having your Januaries free."

To a major ESPN columnist: "Must be great having your evenings free because you put like 5 seconds of thought, total, into your daily work output."

To a Ravens fan: "I really admire Ray Lewis. Is this the year he's eligible for the Hall of Fame?"

Yes, actually. Lewis has just recently passed the five year eligibility requirement to be inducted into the Accessory to Murder Hall of Fame.

To a Titans fan: "For the life of me, I just can't understand why you guys don't win more!"

To an ESPN columnist: "For the life of me, I just can't understand why you don't pad out your columns with more generic one-liners in order to address all 32 NFL teams and weakly crawl over the finish line."

To a Giants fan: "When your quarterback is the second-most talented Manning, you're doing pretty good."

Well, obviously someone has never seen Cooper tapdance.

To a Falcons fan: "You guys were in a Super Bowl, right? A long time ago?"

Ray Lewis would just like to mention here that no, he wasn't there that time. That was Eugene Robinson, and it wasn't murder, it was just soliciting an undercover officer posing as a prostitute, and if Ray Lewis had been there hanging out with Eugene Robinson and Eugene Robinson had happened to murder someone, Ray Lewis wouldn't have seen shit.

To a Bucs fan: "You know, there's a lot of players I don't like. But I can't think of a single player on your team that comes to mind."

Either your team has nice people on it or I am not familiar with the players on your team, which impugns their caliber as opposed to my NFL knowledge.

Top of my head, five players on the Bucs:

Cadillac Williams
Mike Williams
Josh Freeman
Ronde Barber
Kellen Winslow

And if it's me that sits down next to you, you can always say: "Wow, you always think of columns that nobody else would do!"

Or: "Wow, I can't fucking believe you have a job, you cocksucker."

Is that not a good complisult? Shit. I suck at this.