Theeeeeeeeeeee Yankees win!!! Thisssssssssssssss broadcast team sucks!!!

I spent the holiday weekend at the luxurious Owitz family compound on exotic Long Island, and as a result found myself cruising back to the city during the beginning of tonight’s Yankees-Red Sox game. Which means I was able to dial in 880 AM’s always exceptional Yankees broadcast team, the inestimable Suzyn Waldman and the esteemed John Sterling. Actually “inestimable” may not be the correct word, as it means “of immeasurable value or worth”; Waldman’s value is estimable, as in on a scale of 1 to 10 of broadcasting prowess, her score would be “Dog Poop.” She has all the characteristics one looks for in a sports radio broadcaster: horrendous, grating, nasal voice; complete lack of knowledge outside the realm of stats that are clearly fed to her by interns; utter dearth of perspective (see “Roger Clemens is in George Steinbrenner’s box!!”); fantastically ignorant-sounding Boston accent (above quote re-written phonetically: “Rawj-ah Clemens is in Jawg Steinbrenn-ahs bahwx!!”; and, my favorite, inability to get through more than 5 words without stumbling, saying “um”, leaving dead air, etc.

Once we outgrow our initial fantasies of becoming professional athletes, don’t many of us dream of being professional sports broadcasters? How does a person like Suzyn Waldman make it to the pinnacle, or near the pinnacle, of this trade? In a way I feel compelled to give her credit. She has obviously worked incredibly hard to get to where she is, perhaps literally squawking at the top of her shrill, vulture-like lungs at anyone who dared stand in her way. I might say it’s possible she slept her way to the top, but a glance at a photo of her quickly invalidates any such theory. If anything, I can imagine a scenario wherein she saunters into the producer’s office, slowly begins to unbutton her blouse, and eyes averted, the producer shouts “Okay! Okay! You get the job! Just please leave!”

I guess I don’t have much of a point besides: Suzyn Waldman sucks. Not the most profound or original thought ever put into words. It's just that it's not so often these days I’m in the car during a Yankee game, and Suzie’s nails-on-a-chalkboard voice and general stuttering prickness have taken the luster off what used to be a rare treat.

In the interest of fairness, Suzie’s partner John Sterling is a mega-douche, too. In fact, during this very broadcast he let loose with this gem: “This team needs to start putting some hits together. The great Yankees teams in the 90’s would put together some singles, doubles, some home runs, some walks, and when you do that, you score a lot of runs.” Really? I thought the way to score runs was to nearly exclusively make outs and hit the occasional triple. As a major league GM who relies entirely on the spouted platitudes of AM radio broadcasters for my personnel decisions, I suppose I will have to now rethink my strategy of spending millions of dollars on genetic research in the hopes of creating nine Juan Pierre clones. (Coincidental side note: Cano just hit a game-tying RBI triple. Maybe there’s something to this.)

I guess I should stop complaining and start working on my home run calls in the hopes that I can one day supplant Waldman or Sterling. I think Sterling’s “An A-bomb for A-Rod!!” is okay…. But I can probably do better, maybe something like “And that one is gone! Just like much of the population of Hiroshima after the A-bomb!!”

It’s still a work in progress.